Grading the Barricades
After more than 200 years of a peaceful transfer of political power in the US, businesses across New York City prepared for political violence that might occur after the November 3rd election. With a desperate authoritarian trying to cling to power, his millions of easily deceived superfans and the fed-up, frustrated New York population ready to burst after suffering through a pandemic since March, an explosive outcome seemed possible, even likely. And what were business owners to do? Rely on the NYPD to keep the peace? They are just as likely to allow right wingers to commit political violence as they are to instigate violence on their own. Instead, shops took to boarding up all their windows.
But were they any good? Although these barricades weren’t tested directly, we can still evaluate them based on the perceived effectiveness, craftsmanship and aesthetics.
#1
This is a good place to start. Look at how thorough and solid this job is. Every ground level window is completely covered. Doors are still fully functional. No way is a flaming trash can going to be able to be thrown in there! The wood is cut with great lines and no wasted wood or misplaced scraps. Although the raw wood look is appreciated, marks must be deducted for the lack of attention to the color palate. Dark and light panels are mixed in without regard for appearance, and the combination of particle board with plywood is so off putting no one has even bothered to tag this would-be inviting blank canvas.
Grade: B
#2
Now this is some sloppy bullshit. First of all, It is pretty obvious that this doesn’t cover all the glass. That lack of coverage helps draw the eye to the uneven top line. It also manages to be uneven at the bottom,which is pretty impressive when one considers the latent effects of gravity. Those extra pieces on the door manage to be both unsightly and unnecessary. The cut lines on the handle show a particular disdain for the concept of taking pride in your work. Worst of all is the tag in the middle. Rook Trump? Get it together, you guys.
Grade: C-
#3
Just look at this gem! Leave it to the library to provide protection and beauty. It is almost as if they viewed the current crisis of democracy as an opportunity to provide a public good. The boarding itself is well made (note the exposed framing) even it is not quite high enough to cover all of the class. However, most passerby won’t notice that — I just noticed and have been staring at the picture for five minutes. What makes this an effective barricade is that it makes people not want to smash things. Go read some Trump tweets (STOP THE COUNT!) and then look back at this. It is quite disarming.
Grade: A+
#4
Goddamnit, you are one of the richest companies to ever exist on the face of the Earth and this is how you choose to protect yourself? Lazy and ugly. Horrible lines and piss poor construction. I don’t know if there is any framing, but I am pretty sure I could pull this down on my own. Honestly, the more I look at it the more I want to. My estimate is that it would take five minutes for a modest crowd of hippies to turn this place into the next CHAZ. It looks like each sheet of plywood is screwed into the piece next to it and the whole thing is some flimsy house of cards. And the piece above the door? Come on! Try just a little bit. Finally, in 2020 aren’t we all a little burned out on grey walls? Just awful.
Grade: D
#5
For a team who always has the problem of spending too much money on a team that does too little, this is exactly what you would expect. Looking at the first 7 feet or so from the ground up, this is very impressive — tight corners, great coverage and perfect fits. This is a barricade built to win now! But then the team totally quits on you. Management ignores gaping holes. The window above the door is completely unprotected. Above the other wood the framing is there and they just decided not to fill it in. This is definitely the work of a team that whoops ass for half the season and then suddenly gives up. Sure, they will probably make the playoffs but then they’ll disappear and drop the series in a run of pathetic, ignominious losses. I bet the team overpaid for this hack job, too.
Grade: C+
#6
Here context is everything. If this were a zombie defense wall (and against Trumpateers that might be the case) this would be the wall to have. Hell, that jersey barrier might even work against your classic ISIS terror tactics. But do they think that wall is going to defend against an antifa brick arced in a sweet hook-shot? Hell, no! That glass is going down! However, the solid construction hides something pretty obvious about what they are protecting — they are more concerned about large, heavy, expensive merchandise being rolled out than a few rocks getting in. Clever. It loses points in the garish forest green paint job, though. If you are going to commit to a color make sure you cover up unwanted graffiti-tags with the original base.
Grade: B+
#6
I love this. It is just perfect. The entire boarding is flush to the exterior wall. The lines are snug. Those curves are a beautiful feature of the building and the wood has been matched perfectly to it. The craftsmanship is excellent right down to the little cut out for the sprinklers. Even the grain of the exposed wood is beautiful.
Grade: A
#7
Dude, I get it. You’ve been busting your balls all day getting this shit ready for a riot that probably isn’t even going to happen. Then, at 4:35, on the last window, you run out of wood. Are you going to Home Depot and fight over one or two sheets of plywood? Nah, fuck that static. Besides, it’s basically beer o’clock now and you still have to get back to Queens to wait in line to cast a ballot that some broke-ass wannabe dictator is probably going to ignore anyway. Don’t worry, no one is going to notice.
Grade: C
